PISSED

Been listening to some podcast recently

that was one from Jayshetty & Stephan 

the topic is about how to know that person is it "the one"

the topic is really interesting

but what I found out when Im listening to it

most of those are the worst side from how I feel and see of my relationship with J rn

although I already know all those facts

and also I can see we both are trying hard to be the best for each other

but still at some point

I don't really feel he's "the one"

Ive been too naive before when I deal to relationship this part

don't even know what I actually want and what I should beware of 

don't even listen to my own voice deep inside

then now

I can say everything is too late

I should spend more time to get to know one person more first before I step into a relationship

i should know myself better 

I should notice this and that and so many things earlier and tell myself I don't have to waste my time for being extra patient to this person 

or hoping someone will become better or I can adapt all these things myself

every time I'm just telling myself I need to learn how to communicate

I should tell and express myself more clearly when I feel bad 

I did! I'm learning!

all those bad habits of me

those thoughts of "I should be smarter, I should improve my communication skill blablabla"

all those faults and doubts I'm begging

I don't know whether this is good or bad

maybe at some point is good to me, because I'm improving myself at some point

also that's bad to me too

im tired

too much contempt in me

the lack of empathies

the lack of quality deep conversation

the lack of intimacy

I know that every relationship no matter love, family and friends needs efforts to build or remain

this journey is so tough...

that's many times I feel like want to give up

why I wan to put myself into these

its not the matter of material and how comfort the life u gave to me

I believe I can get those by myself anyway

im so tired that I need to teach someone so so much!

and why I make myself so tired to do this?!

I'd choose to ignored

I know this is not good

then I change to try to express how I feel straight

then this turns out the worst I feel

they way every time he just cut me off when I'm still talking or not even finish my word

the way he said "I already made the decision" "I want this" when I'm trying to discuss something with him and he said that

I was so fucking mad inside

what's the point of communication then??

if u don't feel like listen to me

then stfu! dont ask anything for my opinion then!

I don't even feel like wan to tell u anything abt how I feel tho!

AGAIN!!!

I've tried so hard!!

ive been lower and lower down my anger

been holding on so much of my feelings

is that the way of what ppl said "GROWING"??

am I not even growing tho??

I'm trying hard and putting so much efforts, then am I right??

I just wan an open conversation! is that so hard for u?!

do u think u showing me the masculine to me when I wan to have a "communication" with u makes u feel like a man?! what are u trying to fucks up?! ME! my patient!!

everytime when I choose to shut up is not because u are being "the man" in this conversation

its mostly because I was so pissed inside!!!

u think being this works?! NO! you're fucking NOT!!