矛盾的平瀏海

为什么呢 可能真心对待过吧 其实真的没什么了 只是每次想起或遇见还是会有点感伤 今天去一个市集C在那里驻唱 从远方走来时一听到声音就知道是谁了 也没特意想走过去打招呼 因为真的想吃东西先 就直接走进去先买东西吃 心想如果结束了他们走了没遇上也就算了吧 但最后我们还是遇上了 吃到差不多的时候刚好老板和她就在我们后面的档口买东西吃 我想着都那么靠近了 就走过去打个招呼吧 随便闲聊了几句 天气有点闷热 可能档口很多灯，人也多 就没想要了太多吧 大家就自动分开了 可能大家心里已经有了根刺在心里了吧 所以也总是有种尴尬的感觉 也可能只有我这么想而已 也过去那么久了 大家也很明白回不去了吧 只是我一个人在默默回忆当初 偶尔看了些电影有关于类似这种朋友姐妹情节的 会不经意的想起她 当时的我其实也有错 只是我后知后觉 但也不代表她没有错 只是大家都选择了自己的那条路 就再也没办法再同行了 回忆就是这样 美好的难以忘却 但同时也痛侧心扉 因为太美好所以难忘 因为痛才想放手 没有谁没了谁不能活的 只是大家选择了自己的路 再见没什么 我还是会像今天那样走向你跟你说声好久不见 虽然也许你已不想再见到我了 但我还是会走向你 因为我没必要闪躲 大家光明磊落 我依然喜欢你这朋友 就够了 没有要讨好也没有要挽回什么 只是礼貌的问候 我也不会回避你 大家各走各的 看见你依然好 我也不差的 就好了

 今天梦见了个非常清楚的Nk脸 印象中之前有梦过的都比较模糊 这次的真的蛮清楚的 是一脸较精致有化妆了的脸 梦见我在一个陌生的环境睡觉 这地方感觉前面是店面，后面是住家 什么店不知道 但感觉前半段是做生意，有人来往的 中间有道门，通过去后是一间较宽大的住家 有长木大圆桌 跟一些些复古家具 大圆桌隔壁有个放碗碟的厨，也是那种窗户式两边门打开的那种高的橱柜，中间有个桌台，下面还有厨柜 奇怪的是 而我就在一张木床头框架的单人床上睡觉 这场我睡着的床是在店面的位子 不是后面的住家部分 梦的一开始是我侧躺着，脚露出了被单和床外面 我朦胧的瞄了一眼，看见Nk穿着白色tshirt，没错的话是有次他在一间酒吧dj时穿过的 他坐在我旁边（我一打开眼睛就看见的位子）好像按着手机 他轻轻的敲打了两下我露出了被单的脚 我撒娇的mm了一声 把被单拉起来抱住了我的脸和头 赖床模式启动 醒来后我们有说有笑 大概都是在说一些他手机里的中文字 他念着他有限能读懂的字 然后就在小小教他一点怎么念那些字 然后我们就有说有笑这样 转眼他不在了 因为当天下午他有两场的表演 是个music fest之类的大舞台在kl市区 第一场他只唱一首歌在一个小些舞台 然后他就会过去另一个大舞台 这场就会唱比较多的歌 然后我就text他祝他顺利 过后我就醒了

很久都没梦了 来这里记录下刚刚的梦境 梦见Nk 好像是出席同个annual dinner 这event我有很多朋友没有出席 去的人多数是为了去support 这event的venue在corner店 外观看起来很槟城老街的样子 门口外有很多人在坐着 有印度musician 有看见lex 很多户外椅子 还有一区摆放着很多set 的drum set 看见老朋友alex鼓手在set up着一住drum 头发红色，剪烫了个很直的头发 穿着白色tshirt，走到旁边跟一位他的朋友讲了几句后走进屋里了 店里有很多老前辈级的musician 店里面的装潢有像某间槟城的餐厅.. 啊 应该是半月楼 格局也有点像 有很多的模板窗 走在里面一点我找到了个比较不一样的门 门的设计比其他的门不一样 而且是铁的很结实 推门打开后里面一片漆黑 但多一下就看见了是个游泳池的地方 泳池的结构很奇怪 打开门看见前方有一片小泳池 旁边用手机灯照看见下面还有个瘦长型的泳池，围着悬崖脚 我站着的位子就像悬崖边 另一个空间也是打开门之后是泳池 看见G和M在泳池打卡拍照 然后门口处又见到了另一group类似网红的人在打卡拍照，但完全不知道是谁 转眼换到了另个场景 这空间像是个boutique hotel 里面有着很多古董/收藏型的家具 沿着这个走廊一路都摆放着一些 有天窗，阳光照射进来 有高级resort的空间感 眼里看见有一些房间 我心里想：里面会是张怎样的呢？还是其实这些不是房？ 没多想继续沿路走到大厅门口 看见一个熟悉的背影在我面前走过 是1豪！他剪短头发了！怪不得那么熟悉但又很陌生哈哈哈 没说上几句他走远了 梦见nk说话的声音 很难的能听见他真人的声音 我们好像在学校班上还是某个有排列桌子的空间里 他坐在我后面 画面里的他比我想象中小只 梦里是这样 然后好像听见他跟我一个朋友说话 写了点字 他有看见我 但不怎么认得，甚至可以说是陌生 梦中我有一直想要寻找他的身影或看有没有机会讲上话 但他就是没有出现 我中场走了 听说他后半场才来 表演时间陆续开始了 看见有很多表演嘉宾陆续出来表演 这地方没有舞台 表演者就站到指定的一个角落表演 第一位表演嘉宾是yz 超级久没见到她 她的妆容有点西式有点不一样 她带着一个能ai转换脸的面具，带在头上后就开始唱歌了 神奇的是变脸的样子很不违和 虽然都是些虚拟的角色样子，类似...

Dec is a month to review n look back to  New people new things new place always gives attention to me I think this is my personality  I feel like I can easily feel overwhelmed  I met new friends It is juz that simple New friends that I had a total diff life compare to mine Seen many diff places & countries  Had many friends from diff countries  Well not to compare  My life is good too I have a good companion good friends around Get to see & at least get to experience travel solo  Talk n meet new people from diff countries Yea I think at least I did it before I’m glad for everything that I’ve gone through  From my past till now For whatever I have rn I’m blessed  And I’m grateful for being ME Just being me, the way I like myself the way I will b

It's getting more worst after then I guess is because C is too pro and too big in the art industry when I look at myself I feel like a potato.. a real tiny one of course I know that he's doing completely diff art way that I am but he's doing so so well that makes me feel so bad to myself and feel like what am I doing now  what am I to meet him for I got nothing good to share to him.. I mean like nothing much abt the art scene that I can share I don't even have much friends who are still working in this art scene kind of lost sometimes didn't even know what to do to sustain I know I have to keep on creating art that's what I know don't expect anything but keep on practice on my work first, at least for now sometime I feel like is it the right time or right thing to meet him? girls thing.. we think a lot I feels like I some how given him some disappointment.. shit on what im not sure maybe im not a full time artist? or I dont hv much experience in the art scen...

Talking about this new friend that I just met recently he's an officially full time artist I guess, maybe what he showing online is all about his art  He is C tbh I know him bcz of Nk C had an exhibition before at kl that he invite Nk to play for his opening that time was also a bad timing, but im manage to go a day before the opening in a very short time before I head back PG I don't know much of a 3D artist but he had such an amazing work ngl consider one of the very rare 3D artist in Malaysia that had so many exhibition before and also he's work has been globally exhibit at many other countries as well tbh looking at him im like a potato don't even feel myself as an artist anyway but he's friendly anyway gives me a little relieve when he came in to find me and talk to me yea, he had a whole month exhibition at Hin bus anyway hinbus even got a new room for him to showcasing his work I don't even know that's a room like that before maybe it use to b a cafe?...

Been listening to some podcast recently that was one from Jayshetty & Stephan  the topic is about how to know that person is it "the one" the topic is really interesting but what I found out when Im listening to it most of those are the worst side from how I feel and see of my relationship with J rn although I already know all those facts and also I can see we both are trying hard to be the best for each other but still at some point I don't really feel he's "the one" Ive been too naive before when I deal to relationship this part don't even know what I actually want and what I should beware of  don't even listen to my own voice deep inside then now I can say everything is too late I should spend more time to get to know one person more first before I step into a relationship i should know myself better  I should notice this and that and so many things earlier and tell myself I don't have to waste my time for being extra patient to this perso...