矛盾的平瀏海

Dec is a month to review n look back to  New people new things new place always gives attention to me I think this is my personality  I feel like I can easily feel overwhelmed  I met new friends It is juz that simple New friends that I had a total diff life compare to mine Seen many diff places & countries  Had many friends from diff countries  Well not to compare  My life is good too I have a good companion good friends around Get to see & at least get to experience travel solo  Talk n meet new people from diff countries Yea I think at least I did it before I’m glad for everything that I’ve gone through  From my past till now For whatever I have rn I’m blessed  And I’m grateful for being ME Just being me, the way I like myself the way I will b

It's getting more worst after then I guess is because C is too pro and too big in the art industry when I look at myself I feel like a potato.. a real tiny one of course I know that he's doing completely diff art way that I am but he's doing so so well that makes me feel so bad to myself and feel like what am I doing now  what am I to meet him for I got nothing good to share to him.. I mean like nothing much abt the art scene that I can share I don't even have much friends who are still working in this art scene kind of lost sometimes didn't even know what to do to sustain I know I have to keep on creating art that's what I know don't expect anything but keep on practice on my work first, at least for now sometime I feel like is it the right time or right thing to meet him? girls thing.. we think a lot I feels like I some how given him some disappointment.. shit on what im not sure maybe im not a full time artist? or I dont hv much experience in the art scen...

Talking about this new friend that I just met recently he's an officially full time artist I guess, maybe what he showing online is all about his art  He is C tbh I know him bcz of Nk C had an exhibition before at kl that he invite Nk to play for his opening that time was also a bad timing, but im manage to go a day before the opening in a very short time before I head back PG I don't know much of a 3D artist but he had such an amazing work ngl consider one of the very rare 3D artist in Malaysia that had so many exhibition before and also he's work has been globally exhibit at many other countries as well tbh looking at him im like a potato don't even feel myself as an artist anyway but he's friendly anyway gives me a little relieve when he came in to find me and talk to me yea, he had a whole month exhibition at Hin bus anyway hinbus even got a new room for him to showcasing his work I don't even know that's a room like that before maybe it use to b a cafe?...

Been listening to some podcast recently that was one from Jayshetty & Stephan  the topic is about how to know that person is it "the one" the topic is really interesting but what I found out when Im listening to it most of those are the worst side from how I feel and see of my relationship with J rn although I already know all those facts and also I can see we both are trying hard to be the best for each other but still at some point I don't really feel he's "the one" Ive been too naive before when I deal to relationship this part don't even know what I actually want and what I should beware of  don't even listen to my own voice deep inside then now I can say everything is too late I should spend more time to get to know one person more first before I step into a relationship i should know myself better  I should notice this and that and so many things earlier and tell myself I don't have to waste my time for being extra patient to this perso...

It’s been half of 2024 now So many things happened & I did live my life the fullest Bcz I did spend most of my time with friends, meeting new ppl out there Trying new things new people  Had many chance to meet new ppl during those past months Even now too I used to not so into socialise  But now since I was getting closer to G  I felt like it’s not a bad thing at all  She kind of like open up my E personality  Also bring back my own confidence self  It’s good u know I should walk out and get to explore more in a way to improve my social skill Get to improve my English speaking & so on… Not to think abt what is the purpose or any benefit that I can gain from these ppl But just hang out and talk to new ppl that’s it Again I felt like this is kind of a changes of a decade of me After T I’m still feel like there’s smthing open up for me  Well so far I feel good anyhow It feels not bad I’ve learned to drive better these days Got more confident to vo...

看了一系列的NPR tiny desk 喜欢看他们所有的band setting 他们拍摄的空间 拍摄灯光全部都好好哦…… 而且能强烈感觉到那种live一起玩音乐的那种热情的感觉 不只视觉看了很享受 从他们音乐里也感受到了那种愉悦感 真的很喜欢这类型的节目 好喜欢！！ 刷了下xhs 一打开就看见了今天的标题 “更高处见，或再也不见” 这句话直接刺中我 也给了我不少力量 努力起来吧 把自己变更好 才是最最最重要的不是吗？ 我也好多东西想继续做得更好的 想把画做得更好 想在音乐领域的表现更好 想变成个更出色的女人 这其实才是我真正想要的未来 何必再热脸贴冷屁股呢 我们更高处见 或再也不见吧

今天梦见你了 真实的场景 真实那个你的长相 我看你的角度 你的酒窝 你明显的jaw line 我们自然的聊天 说什么不知道 但都有说有笑 我们肩并肩就坐在那里聊了很久 没什么特别的场景 但是在个半户外的地方吧

突然的空虚感好强烈哦 原来充实的一天后 回到家真的会感到特别的空 而且还累 这个就是空虚和消耗了一整天能量的感觉吧 但也没什么不好的 反而因为我们都为彼此填补了彼此的空缺感吧 其实也蛮感激有这样的朋友的 因为到了我这年纪的 甚至是我的圈子的 还能这样跟你耗一整天的人还有多少个呢 感觉格外珍贵的友情 有时还真的会越害怕 因为真的难得 也害怕失去 又担心哪天自己犯了个什么毛病 或是没有即时反馈 因为不善于表达 但我相信我能做得更好的 希望自己真心的能在人与人之间的沟通与表达上有所进步 感恩爱我的人们 也感恩有你们

Surprisingly N came to follow me back Wow wow wow The first thing I did was screenshot at the notification page I felt like every time when he’s at his emotional stage He will text me Especially at night Yea ppl easily fallen into the emotional stage at night But nahhhh I guess he just wan some girls to give him a little mood boost  As he might writing some emotional songs about love again That’s all I thought it was Yea I get that sometimes So yea We are officially friends now btw This feels goodddd Well  T replied to my story on fb today We had a lil chat at messenger just now It was good We just chat casually  Sharing good music And that’s all Nothing more But it feels good to be like this No pressure  Everything just good I didn’t reply to his last msg I just wan to keep it like that I think I might react with an emoji to the last msg tmw That’s it

Been streaming lots of movies about romance and love Always love to watch movies based on books “No strings attached”  “one day”  “before sunshine” Anime series like “my love story with Yamada Kun at lvl999” “A condition called love” I felt like I’m trying to find things to fill it up an empty part of me Did something missing? Or is it just me? Why don't u text me I wonder how do u think But I guess u wouldn’t 

 唯有听占卜安慰自己了 还能怎么样呢 只想要听到些能安抚下自己的话 就这样而已 我真是够傻啊

下次见面会是几时呢 会在哪里呢 会在一个安全的地方吗？ 还是会在一个宁静的花园里？ 平抚了的心 看了几个占卜的视频后 那股浓厚的思念又被挑起了 不懂是真的有在安慰到自己的疑问 还是在为自己找事 zzz 但本来这种大众占卜就是要安慰人心的 因为大众都想听这样的东西 但我还是不经意的会点进去听 可能这算是一种为自己盲目找个等不到的答案的施压方式吧？ 但真的有放松了吗？ 其实好像没有 因为问题的本质就不是靠第三方给你大约的感应来解决问题 而是要自己本身去想办法啊 在这种复杂的关系中 tm真的烦 这应该很大可能是对我的一个考验吧 考了又考的那种考验 人生就是一直需要经历很多不同阶段的考验 haiz 烦死了 偏偏占卜给的答案又tm准 弄得我都真的都相信了 但到底对方是不是这样想呢？ 谁知道啊 我只知道我依然很想他 想要紧紧的拥抱他 抱很久很久 想轻轻在他耳边说我好想你 也是一样像之前的我 一句话都说不出口 只是内心正在激动的颤抖着 满脑子想对他说的话 都不知该从何说起了 而且该不该说呢… 但也要在之前看他的反应 如果他冷漠 我也就会收起了… 如果认真回想 我也不是没明确暗示过 但他却非常快的回拒了我 我知道当时的我真的极度的灰 当然也淡定的回复了几句说“别误会了”的话 挽回自己的一点面子 怎么这种感觉那么熟悉呢 应该像是很久以前的我吧 曾经就那么傻的倒追 结果反射性反弹 把所有的负面情绪与真心都砸碎了 简直跌入谷底 那时还真的单纯简单傻又笨 当然现在的我已经不一样了 因为我更会爱自己了 所以其实还蛮看得开的 虽然心里总是不经意的会去想起他… 都不知道为什么了 不甘心与没有足够的机会与时间认真的聊造成的吧 但如果真的给占卜说中了的话又能如何呢？ 我也不能怎样啊 他也不能吧 都超卡的啊 怎么会在这种时候呢？ 为什么不早点？但早点我相信也不可能 因为今时今日的我 多半也是因为j 不是完全 但真的多半因为他 内心对J的抗拒依然存在 因为满脑子都是t吧 情感这东西真的很容易被触发 其实爱很简单 但为什么人就是有这么多的东西需要去顾虑呢 本来看似两情相悦 但却被世俗困住了 也许人类本来就身不由己吧 真的能那么自由的早就成仙了 还当什么人类 我希望你的内心是像占卜那样说的 其实如果是的话我一定是开心的 但又能怎么样呢 就只能当作安慰自己吧 我们其实从一开始就知道的 我们也都很尊重彼此 庆幸...

Had a call with N last night Our time zone is seriously huge diff My 2am is actually her 11am  She just woke up and I’m about to sleep We did a little update of ourselves She told me that I’m one of the “doesn’t even aged look” kind of friend Then she always shows her friends our photo Cz we are those “young look Asian women” 😂 We chat a lot like a long lost time that we use to have She’s getting a green card Like I wasn’t that surprise but also very excited and was happy to hear that It’s good that they’re taking the next step to their future Well also bcz she need that green card to at least get a job there So it’s a pros and cons? She don’t feel like wan to share this out yet  So we just keep it as our secret At least for her for now.. And we exchg our secret  I told her about T Like I already wanting to tell her b4  When I was still struggling with all those complicated feelings But luckily I’m ok now And I told her calmly that it’s passed “We fade out naturally...

 好一阵子没发梦了 可能这阵子心情都比较累也很迟睡 梦见t了 场景在一个很特殊的地方 一个吃海鲜的码头餐厅 很华人到地的那种 可能睡前看见D的story在一个码头还是湖边的餐厅唱歌 之前看过G的story有去过那里solo 然后就梦见类似场景了 我梦里的稍微有些不一样 有个小小的舞台 室内矮屋顶，前方是舞台，位子大概10多桌吧 没屋顶的地方是码头处 还有几张桌子 live band的地方是在一艘船上 船停在了码头旁 这船有个中文名，但我忘了 是艘很华人的船 有古早味 有3层楼 结构有点像是把整栋房子搬到船上的感觉 D在船的甲板上set up着 我正要走上去 感觉我是没表演的 但就在不知忙什么 t的形象还要是我还没认识他时的样子 黑发带个hat 以前那个nerd样 band还没开始的时候 梦里的画面是我一直在到处走来走去在忙东忙西 但视线却不知觉的一直在寻找t的身影 到了吃饭的时间 我几乎全家人都在一张桌位上准备要开饭 我趁着这个机会跑去找t过来 有人问我说我英文好吗之类的话 我们一起去洗手，我的右手挎过了他的左手伸到他正在洗的右手的水拢头随便洗了个手 他抓住了我的手 把我拉向了他身旁 走在板地上 一路有说有笑 不知说了什么我忘了 但一路是两个人都在发自内心的笑着 有一点点海边码头的风景 码头远处有些妇女在忙着不知什么 t牵着我的右手 我们走到了餐桌那里 他们留了3个空位给我们 但位子是两个，然后一个在对面 s双出现，她给我们安排位置 还说那个空缺一人的位置可以跟我换 让我们3个坐在一起 然后我就醒了

在等什么呢？ 就像我们明知道我们就在靠近 但却硬着头皮不见面 何必呢 这么内耗 平常心吧 主动多了会累 我不动你也不动 证明着什么呢？ 很明显吧 别再帮他说话了 看开吧 我们只不过是又回到了以前的自己 没有你 也没有我而已 日子还是一样的过不是吗

 I realise i never feel tired when I’m singing just now Mayb 3 of us are singing too But mostly is bcz of all these ppl around  It’s been quite some time I’ve been enjoying so much singing a wedding function  Not much ceremony  Mostly English songs Ppl speak English gently there Ppl appreciate our music there They listen to us, dance with us There’s so much joy in thr jz now I can see myself clearly there The way thy dance with my abba song The way I sing along with them I feel like I’m part of the guests  Enjoying friends around singing & dancing tgt It’s so good to hv a wedding like tat

 原来我不小心遗漏了我们的开始和结束在一本书里 2015年某天 没有要求你原谅或什么 你也不需要做什么 我只知道 这是我应该做的 谢谢你， 让我了解到了自己做的一些错事 我也知道自己有很多让人讨厌的地方 也知道自己容易说错话 这些这么多的缺点 你都有跟我说过 我不知道我几时能改好 也不知道改不改得到 但这至少让我看懂了自己那么一点点 想了很多 我知道现在已经到了一种很严重的程度 至少我自己觉得 用写的 我还可以再慢慢思考我要讲什么 不会像平时那样冲动 虽然我语法也不好 写了出来 心里也比较好过 写了车出来 心里诚心地告诉自己 我错了 我会记住那些美好的回忆 谢谢您 曾经让我精彩过 我也不懂我写那么长有什么用 也许你会觉得很废 我诚心的一句 对不起 至少我道歉了 因为我怎样都是有做错了些什么 你也可以选择忽视 没有必要跟我回话 就静静的知道完全搬走 继续回自己的生活 为未来努力吧 你我都是

2024的今天 我不小心翻到了以前的文字 感觉记录以前的情绪 有时也是一些灵感的来源 就想把那些文字都搬过来这里 2014年的某天 给我最爱的男人 跟你一起后 写心事的时间少了很多 因为我们几乎每天都黏在一起 而且与你一起后 时间都好满 就算offday或假期都会充分利用那些时间来拍拖 总之无时无刻都想在一起度过每分每秒就对了 前一阵子功课很紧的时候 因为压力吧 所以想自己一个人静静，休闲… 但现在修时间比较有了 intern中的我 依然繁忙 但也许因为家里也冷清了许多 就觉得自己一人时 真的很空虚 变得宁愿每天都在一起 恨不得每晚都能抱着你入眠… 那是件多么幸福的事.. 真的真的 很开心 很幸运拥有你 真的真的很爱你… 有你的日子真的好太多了 你带给了我好运，陪伴 很多很多很多… 好想把与你的一切都记下来 但就是没那么多时间 而且每次写到一半 都已经很累了..

爱情就像毒药 患上了毒瘾 掉进了这漩涡里 想要努力摆脱 但却无从下手 假装无视 假装忙碌 以为不去想就会淡忘掉 但夜一入深 还是禁不住想念 困在似有似无的回忆里 你我都沉醉在那回忆的毒瘾中 理智的可怕 从一开始就非常明白 没什么能被改变 不甘心驱动了我们的步伐 彼此的呼吸与温度 勇敢的你 冲昏了我的思绪 晕眩的我 让你着迷 我们彼此对望着 想了解你当下到底在想什么呢 满脑子的句子 我们一字都没提 只是静静的看着彼此的眼睛 很安定很纯粹 你的身影 在我心里不断徘徊 像是游乐场里的套圈圈 不断丢出的圈圈 散满一地 那些回忆就像是 偶尔几个圈中了 留下了小礼物 心中依然想 无限循环

想不到其实我还会有陷入恋爱脑的时候 时间能增加对一个人的思念 也能减少 但庆幸的是 至少我搞清楚了 好过一味的瞎猜 搞得自己精神不宁 脑里一堆脑补 不如直接表态吧 还好我说的方式没太用力 也庆幸自己说的还能留点台阶给自己 说白了 自己反而笑了 因为释怀了 感觉自己是勇敢坦诚地对自己的 所以我又升级了 相信这是我人生的一堂课吧 让自己升级的一课 10年前的那些回忆与曾经 仿佛又经历了一遍 好的是我再次看清了自己真正该继续喜欢的事 就该好好经营搞好 不好的就让自己再次升级吧！ 这段奇妙的日子里 唤醒了我太多太多 仿佛是一次十年后的life circle？ 因为这个人我又回到了我的开始 找回了我当时还在indie独立音乐的痕迹 见回了十年前的老友 说槟城小 但遇不上的还是始终都不会遇上 参加了场美发学院的大秀 找回了我曾经大学时的场景 那些熟悉的场景 让我好想在时尚部分再努力看看 在kl这城市里搭mrt的场景 在繁忙的城市里穿过丛丛高楼 自己一个人搭着grab到处看展 想去哪就去哪的自由 认识到了直到很久了的朋友的朋友 提醒了自己在摄影的部分还要多加努力练习 认识到了很多新的人 提醒了自己在职场上社交这部分真的得多主动些 因为主动才有机会 机会真的是自己制造的 发现我还蛮常跟他说我谢谢他 因为我很开心这样的话 感觉自己还真的说多了 感觉有点卑微了 虽然老师说都是实话 但我不该这样 因为本来男女关系就需要技巧 需要拿捏好该保留的和该收好的 果然我这一块还真不那么擅长 我还是我 只是现在的我更洒脱了 更爱自己了 所以面对一些不在自己心里预期的好回应时 自己反而觉得释怀 至少不再纠结 我也可以继续往前走了 那段慌神错乱的日子真的不容易 真心晕船 现在终于我醒了 而且是我自己推开了那一扇门 走出来的感觉真好

 这几天应该是我看过最多塔罗和星座的时间了 仅仅才那两三天就已经读了多少篇的星座文章 多少篇的塔罗牌解说 看得我自己都懵了 为什么那么纠结呢 还能怎样呢 问自己最多的是 “What do u still wan from him?” 你还想要什么呢 能怎样呢 大家心智都很肚明 我不可能离开现在的位子 他也不会因为我而放弃他想要的那个人 我们真的只是逆缘吗 我还想要个怎么样的答案呢 我自己也不清楚了 就算我真的坦白了又能怎么样呢 我猜他应该也只会说声谢谢而已吧 难道他还能说“我们在一起吧”或“我们可以私下在一起吗” 怎么可能呢 他也不是那样的玩咖 如果是 我也不会想听到这样的回应 所以什么都不说真的都比较好 感情真的是个自私的东西 只有不停的要 占有欲强才是动真感情 是个无底洞啊 如果问 是谁先开始的呢 应该说我们都互相向彼此靠近吧 只是没想到结局会是这样 纠结无比 很想奔向对方 但无从下手 还能怎么样呢

People change I admit.. I am I changed a lot But I don’t think that’s anything wrong with who I am now I just brought back to what I used to be I am the one who clearly know No one knows except two of us Every time when he started to yell I just couldn’t stand I’ve been talking slow and soft all the way Trying to deliver what I felt & thoughts But he just keep on saying that I’m being too mean I’m always open for discussion  But what he felt is I’m just being too mean on him Telling the truth and letting him know why I did this is it anything wrong? That’s a valid reason for all these  But what I received is all my fault  I’m ruining his CNY  I’m making all these worst I’m being too mean Let him know that life has to be work U need to learn how to cook, manage ur own life by doing little chores or learning how to manage ur belonging at least Every time I’m trying to tell him what I thought is better for him, but all just turns out I’m being too mean He can disagr...

 其实已经冷静了许多 这段时间大家虽然真的都很忙 但到了深夜时还是会不经意的反思下自己 得到了就足够了 你我都一样吧 其实都还蛮清楚的 我的日子会过得更好的 婚姻不容易 但我可以加油 迈向一个更好的自己吧

When he’s asking me do I have any weakness And I just reply it my way “I don’t have any” U know what he told me? He literally just said “mayb some guys like me” I feel like ermmmmm… wait? Halo? Did he literally feel like I’m so into him? Really? Mayb I use to but I didn’t tell anyone But when he said that.. I was like omg he’s a bit over confidence d I think Or mayb he just try to tease me only I felt like noooooo straight away turn me off wheyyy Somemore He’s like never wanna look at my stories Isn’t he’s an anti social? I feel like he don’t even care tho :/ Well we will end up somehow And I’m leaving 

I know that we’re not kids anymore  We don’t have to text everyday or keep update what we are doing now these kind of things So that I’ve got to distract myself a little and focus more on j and also my work Even though I’m still thinking abt him all the time But at least I got distracted a bit if I got friends and work around Tried to text him with an emoji last time  But he’s not giving me any respond Not even online on WhatsApp but social media yes Then he reply me the next day with a “yes?:)” I was so not in the mood to talk to him So I just said “no :/  & after awhile with another text with “u go busy la byeeee” It was funny  He just seen Somehow I felt like I’m so stupid  But it’s ok u know We don’t hv to do that tho We are in a grey zone  Just keep it neutral Today after he replied me on the ig reel that I shared last night abt a very cool girl recomposing traditional instruments tgt with edm, it was so cool that I felt like I should share to him ...

 How am I drag myself into this mess Not sure why & how Been kept thinking abt the same person for more than 2 weeks time What’s going on? Life is strange My thoughts too

It’s nice to really had a chance to just sit down, relax n listen, enjoy to the jazz band It’s like I always wanted to but just no one around me that can really accompany me to do that So that I didn’t really got a chance or reason to do so This time I make a chance for myself Also I’m glad that I get to know a guy that he’s really know jazz music and also love music We kind of clicked in some way tbh I got a long time didn’t feel that amount of shyness driving me so deeply to a man like that From the way he talk to me, his vibes, his attitude makes me so shy n I couldn’t even look at him for long He knows we shouldn’t be like this We clearly know that But mayb just me feeling that way N he just try to b flirty only